After last weeks post on the "Lumbersexual", I was going to post on the new look I think is up and coming. However, with the heat we've had, and the public holiday today, I decided I would take a summer type of theme and discuss my experiences in buying swimmers on ebay earlier this season, and the nightmares I found.
Because I couldn't find one of these stunners.
Ok, so friendly warning, some of the images beyond the break are going to be a bit.... confronting. There is no actual nudity or over-eighteen-ness about this, but if your boss walks past your computer while you are looking at these; or if that old lady on the bus behind you can see your phone; you are definitely going to be judged.
You have been warned. It's ok, we'll get through this together.
Look, I'm not a rich guy. I don't have a great amount of cash in my budget for fashion. I wish I did. I'm also not a beach goer, so when I'm looking at buying new swimmers for the summer, I'm going to be as frugal as I can. That way I have more money for booze, or ... no, probably just booze.
So, to save some cash I decided I would just try eBay for swimwear. I'd done it before, and got some tasteful jammer-like trunk things that were half decent. So when I tried to do this again, I had repressed the memory of the other swimsuits that came up in my eBay results. Holy Crap.
To be honest, I don't think anyone would ever actually swim in any of these. Some of them, I don't think you actually could, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Here are the top 5 nightmares.
So, to save some cash I decided I would just try eBay for swimwear. I'd done it before, and got some tasteful jammer-like trunk things that were half decent. So when I tried to do this again, I had repressed the memory of the other swimsuits that came up in my eBay results. Holy Crap.
To be honest, I don't think anyone would ever actually swim in any of these. Some of them, I don't think you actually could, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Here are the top 5 nightmares.
NUMBER 5 : The Borat
I don't like being predictable, but I couldn't leave this off the list, and I wanted to get it out of the way nice and early. For those of you who don't remember, or were lucky enough to forget, this swimsuit made it's debut from the 2006 Sacha Baron Cohen film " Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan". There are a number of great movies that leave no legacy, it pains me that this trash did.
Everything about this upsets me. Wouldn't your junk get constantly smashed inside your pelvis every time you raised you arms? And if you leant over, wouldn't the straps fall down, leaving you naked with lime ribbons stuck in your butt? Even the colour is abominable.
Cost? You can look this cheap at a cheap $3.79. Dude, you're worth more than that.
NUMBER 4 : This Strange Unikini
Everything about this upsets me. Wouldn't your junk get constantly smashed inside your pelvis every time you raised you arms? And if you leant over, wouldn't the straps fall down, leaving you naked with lime ribbons stuck in your butt? Even the colour is abominable.
Cost? You can look this cheap at a cheap $3.79. Dude, you're worth more than that.
NUMBER 4 : This Strange Unikini
This for those of you who saw the Borat suit and loved it, but didn't want people to constantly scream "Borat!" at you on the beach. At least this variation is more structurally sound than it's Kazakstani cousin.... so there's that. For me, someone who fears and despises the sun, I am concerned about the tan marks this thing would give you. No one wants a milky white MacDonald's logo across your chest.
The sad part about this one? This abomination is $85.80. This cost does not include the bottle of hard spirits you need to drink before leaving the changing rooms each time you wear this. Grim.
NUMBER 3 : Failed Predator Worship Board Shorts
The sad part about this one? This abomination is $85.80. This cost does not include the bottle of hard spirits you need to drink before leaving the changing rooms each time you wear this. Grim.
NUMBER 3 : Failed Predator Worship Board Shorts
For those of you viewing on small screens, or are blinded by the hideous shades of not-quite-green and banana-lolly-yellow, these board shorts have sharks printed on them.
Did anyone ever stop to consider if this was a good idea? How would the sharks feel about this? If someone had made a pair of board shorts with my face printed on them, over and over again, in colors that I can only describe as "the ones that 1993 rejected", I would bite that person in half in a frenzy that would lead to the culling of my species.
This garment is hardly a worthy tithe. It is not an acceptable tribute to the prehistoric murder gods of the deep. Any who would wear it deserve a righteous chomping from a mighty and ancient terror.
Omnomnomnom....
NUMBER 2 : "Flea goes to the Beach"
Did anyone ever stop to consider if this was a good idea? How would the sharks feel about this? If someone had made a pair of board shorts with my face printed on them, over and over again, in colors that I can only describe as "the ones that 1993 rejected", I would bite that person in half in a frenzy that would lead to the culling of my species.
This garment is hardly a worthy tithe. It is not an acceptable tribute to the prehistoric murder gods of the deep. Any who would wear it deserve a righteous chomping from a mighty and ancient terror.
Omnomnomnom....
NUMBER 2 : "Flea goes to the Beach"
Has anyone ever told you "just because the Red Hot Chilli Peppers did something, doesn't mean you should"? Well, it's advice we can all live by. Evidence above.
Firstly, Why would anyone buy this? Why not just use the drawstring bag your cheap eBay sunglasses came in? Is that any less trashy than buying this product? I mean, why stop there? Why not just go deeper down the rabbit hole and Alfoil yourself?
The logistics of this swimsuit don't make any sense. After we consider factors like rough surf, nylon drawstrings, circulation and the inevitable shrinkage that occurs in cold water, any reader can work out half a dozen reasons this swimsuit is not for you.
No, I will not talk about grooming here. Though I will talk about accessorising: Why is that towel so small?
$3.29 for this dicebag. I like to think the one you order is delivered inside a second one.
NUMBER 1 : Tommy Hilfiger's Personal Insult to Me.
Firstly, Why would anyone buy this? Why not just use the drawstring bag your cheap eBay sunglasses came in? Is that any less trashy than buying this product? I mean, why stop there? Why not just go deeper down the rabbit hole and Alfoil yourself?
The logistics of this swimsuit don't make any sense. After we consider factors like rough surf, nylon drawstrings, circulation and the inevitable shrinkage that occurs in cold water, any reader can work out half a dozen reasons this swimsuit is not for you.
No, I will not talk about grooming here. Though I will talk about accessorising: Why is that towel so small?
$3.29 for this dicebag. I like to think the one you order is delivered inside a second one.
NUMBER 1 : Tommy Hilfiger's Personal Insult to Me.
BLUE. CHECKED. SHORTS.
Do I even need to write anything more about this? If you don't know, then you need to catch up <previous rant here>.
Grrr... It just...... GRRRR!
So in the end...
- I went back to my old black jammers. It all got too hard, and I used the money I saved on that beer I like that tastes like your mouth is bleeding.
I don't know what the moral of the story is with this one. Although the horrors on eBay exist, I actually really like those black ones I got the year before. So, I suppose the message here is: there is a lot of crap on the internet. Filter and trawl at your own discretion, and the strong of heart shall reap the rewards.
But I guess you knew that already, didn't you?
Next post, next week. I'm hoping to write about the 'next big look' that I think we'll see a lot of. If you want to be reminded of these posts, make sure you like and follow the Facebook page.
Or don't. Whatever.
James VV.
Do I even need to write anything more about this? If you don't know, then you need to catch up <previous rant here>.
Grrr... It just...... GRRRR!
So in the end...
- I went back to my old black jammers. It all got too hard, and I used the money I saved on that beer I like that tastes like your mouth is bleeding.
I don't know what the moral of the story is with this one. Although the horrors on eBay exist, I actually really like those black ones I got the year before. So, I suppose the message here is: there is a lot of crap on the internet. Filter and trawl at your own discretion, and the strong of heart shall reap the rewards.
But I guess you knew that already, didn't you?
Next post, next week. I'm hoping to write about the 'next big look' that I think we'll see a lot of. If you want to be reminded of these posts, make sure you like and follow the Facebook page.
Or don't. Whatever.
James VV.
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