But I know help won't come, it never does. That o-zone hole keeps doing a number on us, and there is nothing I can do to save you, Turncoats. It's as if this great southern land is hidden in a summer for million years...
"But Turncoat guy" I hear you pant as you crawl across the dry, red earth, "Is all hope lost for us? Is there any way I can attempt to look good in this nightmarish globally warmed (which is totally a thing) climate?" [Gasp gasp.... keels over].
Fear not, Turncoats! It is possible to look babin' and not sweat like the hog you probably are. Here are my five steps on how to beat the extended summer heat whilst maintaining comfort and dignity.
Whenever I look at images representing British colonisation (heh heh.... colon) I shudder to think about how they would smell. Socks, tights, wool coats, vests, ruffed shirts, neckerchiefs, hats, and then really seal that deal with a powdered bloody wig. Add no washing facilities, being on crowded ship with a hundred other sweaty dudes and tropical climates, and any illusion of British Colonial Dignity quickly turns to a stinking cloud of human-meat-smell.
The point I'm trying to make here is that you need to consider the climate and weather of where you are in the world and what you're doing. If you want to dress like Don Draper to go to work, that's fine. But remember 'Mad Men' is set in New York. The climate of New York is both substantially cooler and less humid than that of Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne. Don can get away with having his wool waistcoat done up with his hat on, shirt buttoned and cuffed, suit jacket and still have those weird undershirts my dad wears. If you do it Sydney, you will get hectic dripping sweat pits walking the 100m from the train station to the office. Who's charming now?
So the trick here is: Think about the weather outside before you pick what you are going to wear. This means before you leave the house and you're picking your outfit, as well as when you're shopping for new stuff. It sounds obvious, but still.
Goths, I'm totally looking at you.
2. Do you even fabric content, bro?
One of the things that greatly affect your comfort in an an outfit is the fabric fibre content. No two fabrics are exactly the same, they are made out of different substances with different qualities. Understanding what these are and how they help you is a good investment of your energy, both in trying to stay cool, as well and taking care of the clothes.
For humid or hot weather, you will generally wanting thinner garments made from cotton, linen (if you're swanky) or a blend of the two. These fabrics are natural cool and breathable, and wick your moisture away from the body and allow it to evaporate quickly. Translated: You feel drier and cooler for longer. Fabrics to avoid are polyester and other synthetics. Basically it creates a barrier that stops any fluid from coming in or out. Next thing you know you're dripping and muggy under there, no fun.
But if fibres like cotton and linen are so great, won't don't we use them all the time? Well, we do. But shirts made from these fabrics have... side effects. Firstly, they don't hold colour as well as synthetics. They also stain more easily, and they crumple. Generally the way around this is too... get ready for it... blend it with polyester. This takes it to a half and half kind of place. What does this catch 22 mean for you? Check your tags after you've looked outside when you dress or buy these, and learn the best times to wear each of them. Weigh up your options.
This one is short and sweet: Try and and wear things that are airier or give you room to breath. There is a big style in menswear at the moment that we have adopted from the Asian fashion markets known as the 'super-slim' fit. Menswear and suiting so tightly fitted that movement is expected to be restricted, and the clothing tapers very close to the body.
I don't care for super slim fit much anyway. I can't move my arms... it kind of makes me feel like a t-rex... but in a bad way?
For the corporate slaves out there, working in an office means wearing corporate attire, huh, as if you needed reminding. A full suit is a hard thing to wear in the heat, and you quickly end up sweating it out and making the inside of your collar go yellow. One of the ways to get around this is to wear a waistcoat instead of the jacket. I think the "waistcoat no jacket" look is a pretty sharp look, and it uses fashion items that your old man boss will find easy to understand and will accept as acceptable professional attire.
Waistcoats open up a lot of space around the arms and neck, allowing your body to handle the heat better. If thing get extreme, or if you are fine to casual-it-up a little, the vest can be worn open.
And you can pretend you're from Firefly. Not my thing, but apparently lot's of guys really want to do this. Like... a lot.
If corporate is not a necessity for you, there are lots of different options that are looser and flow-ier. A lot of guys are doing the whole urban ninja thing, which you would have seen referenced in the urban jedi post a few weeks back. Labels like Sydney based label Provocator are good examples.
There you have it, here are five simple tips for you to survive this stupid heat. The other option is that you do what I do, and become nocturnal. Never go outside while it's light, sleep through the heat of the day. It's great for you're skin, but I don't know if keeping vampire hours is the solution that people are going to want to commit to. Mostly because bottle shops close early now...... it's a tortured existence.
Besides, what's the point of looking nice if no one sees you?
Stay cool, literally.
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